Sometimes, I feel like I do not understand anything at all. When such feelings inhabit my heart, an urging desire to be alone tries to take my heart over, then a war between vague comprehension of life and bitter loneliness begins. Well, such wars solemnly occur within me. They just fight and keep fighting each other as if I am not sensing them. My hidden self always tries to rise up again, but sometimes weakness invades its existence, and despair tries to wrap itself around it, wanting to strangle it. Hopefully, my hidden self has some courage in it. It has the Will! The will to live, the will to be present drives it to dig deep down my heart, escaping from evil sensations. It stays in a deep hole, where it cannot be annoyed. Down there, it screams for salvation, calling out my conscious to wake up and pour some hope on it. The moment hope is being poured, my hidden self takes back its prestigious place, and rise above other sensations.
Having such wars inside one’s self is not a problem at all. To me, I view them as slight indications for a change, a change for something better. It is a revolution against the unwanted fungus in one’s self that multiplies itself continuously until it spoils all tiny grains of good in the heart, transforming them into seeds of doubt.
Evil sensations are like funguses. They will grow and grow, but it is the person’s determination that can stand against such sensations, with the help of good sensations of course.